THE BUTTERFLY

     A  butterfly is a  natural symbol of Transformation,
a symbol of effortless change and evolution,
Like a catepillar  in a cocoon, asleep, awakening  into a magical butterfly...

You ever see a butterfly rest on a flower?   a lily, an iris, gardenia,

                    a rose

there is not a painting in any art gallery more exquisite

 than the beauty of a scene,   when  a butterfly flutters

so gently and serene

with wings spread openly outward, floating gently upon a flower,

resting on a rose

 the afternoon sun resting on an quiet lake, maybe

a dove descending upon the Son 

I  AM the rose of Sharon, a lily of the valleys

Transformation resting on a red rose
Effortless beauty overshadowing anything Van Gogh ever envisioned on canvas,

A red rose is a young woman of power,  

while she endures the trials&tribulations of a tough life,

this catepillar undergoes the transformation into a strong woman...
....it is DIVINE. A woman with divine strength and thorns that cut if held to tightly

A thing to be admired, held gently, not too tightly.

Gentle Effortless beauty

There is nothing more beautiful than a woman, this is why women love flowers,
It reflects effortless beauty,

mother of god,  sweet mother earth,

a rose is a  rose is my mom is my sister is my niece

Jesus holding his counterpart Mary in a tender embrace

 equals/intellects

a delicate piece of you that you love in someone else

this you see in yourself

 one rose, divine mother

a dozen roses,  divine women,

if a man loves his mother, he learns to love all roses

.....as opposed to beliefs.

    Beliefs are powerful, and whether they are known or unknown, they still set the stage for your experiences and existence. In all honesty, do you really know what it is you believe in? Have you self-selected  and consciously planted your beliefs in your psyche as you would purposefully plant a garden?Exactly what beliefs have you inherited as treasured heirlooms? What patterns of commonality flow through your family gene's? What specific issues do members of different generations of your family all have in common? Which particular situations are forever on rerun for you and your family clan at annual family gatherings. How often are YOU the tragic star of the show?

Further insight----What thoughts and feelings do you have upon awakening in the morning? How do you feel about your dreams? How do you feel about your bedroom and what do you use it for?

{{{Don't feel bad, i rarely sleep or use my bedroom, my bed is my living room couch.lol}}}

What feelings surface when you evacuate your bowels in the morning and bathe your body? Do you value your body? What are your feelings about SEX? What mainly do you use your body for? Is it benign or detrimental influences put by you on your temple? What do you think about food? What does the word "home" mean to you?

WHAT INFLUENCE DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE IN DETERMINING YOUR BEHAVIOR? 

How do you feel about fun? Do you laugh a lot, or laugh very LITTLE? Matter of fact, what is it  you BELIEVE  you deserve out of life?

Here's an experiment: jot down on a piece of paper or a note pad

---at least 12 beliefs that you carry around in your psyche like luggage. Write these beliefs down like statements, your so-called facts about reality. Include additional beliefs about health, wealth, and happiness.

[If you are in a fine restaurant, please write on a napkin, i always do.lol]

After a week come back and take an honest, hard, good look at what you have proclaimed on paper. When you look at each statement, be aware of how your body feels. Are you breathing deeply, is it  shallow hulls of controlled air into your diaphragm, or are you holding your breath, or are you taking quick short breaths. Are your teeth clenched? The jaws of your muscles relaxed? Maybe the muscles under your brows are relaxed and upward in agreement.

How do you FEEL about what you wrote? Which statements would you like to change? Or...[[[Expand]]] upon? Or maybe you no longer feel that a statement reflects who YOU ARE!

                                                  
    FLEXIBILITY IS FREEDOM.

I remember the kindest words ever projected onto me. It had to have been late last spring of '08, The trees were green. I visually re-call my sweet, but tough-as-nails 67 y o mom stopping by my apartment complex to pick up a gift or bring a gift to me. I suppose it was the latter, or former, or both.

 Listen. Before she left, she stunned me with these words:

"Thank-You son, for CHOOSING me to be your mom."

She left me literally speechless. What she said literally validates everything an adult child could  ever feel for, or want to hear from a parent. I literally heard the comforting VOICE OF GODDESS in communion with her voice, in a stillful moment, i felt the compassionate wisdom of every painful to joyful experience shared between us two...

...was instantly {{{{{{VALIDATED.}}}}}}

           -what an honor it is to call this strong soul, ma

THESE ARE TEN WORDS EVERY YOUNG/ADULT CHILD DESIRES TO HEAR FROM ANY PARENT OR MENTOR.

mother's know.

father's do too!

;)

  I'm just a lil guy 6'6" but I work out every day. I was in a very bad accident Aug. 3 2004 on my Fat Boy (Harley Davidson). Here is what happened to me. Be ready for this cuz it wasn't a very nice thing and I was dead 4 times that day. I still get freaked out a lil telling this.

  2004 a truck pulled out in front of me (I was on my Fat Boy) and only two doors from pulling in my driveway. I hit the side of the truck by the driver side door. I broke both of my legs. the right leg broke just above my knee. They put a 1/4 inch titanium rod in the middle of my bone (from my knee to my waist). The left leg was compound broke below the knee. They also put a titanium rod in the bone in that leg (from the knee almost to the foot). I have two screws in each of my knees. I broke 7 ribs and collapsed my right lung. I broke my neck. My jaw was broke in 4 places (12 screws and two plates). Needless to say my brain injury was very bad. My right arm was never hurt in the accident but it doesn't work right any more, I will tell you more about it later. I was in a coma for 15 days, the hospital for 29 days then I went to a nursing home for a month. I can walk and talk now so I have to be happy with that.

I remember seeing something about a program to recycle old cell phones for seniors at risk.  I have a cell phone I want to donate, but can not find out how or where.

Does anyone know anything about this program and / or where I can drop off my cell phone?

This morning I heard this news story about this woman who works at Espresso Gone Wild. The employee reported harassment after a man in the drive thru took photos of her even though she told him he couldn't. She filed a police report and they are investigating the situation.

This story is disturbing on many levels. Who decided that modesty doesn't make money? Honestly, in my opinion, you must be a pretty bad business owner if your solution to your Starbucks competition is having scantily clad employees. There is no other solution? What about excellent customer service? What about a nice, clean sitting area or bathroom? What about a specialty coffee drink? What about coffee cake or other food?...you get my point.

"Girls Gone Wild" why has that become so popular and acceptable? Whether it is those videos or these coffee places why are people accepting this as okay? If the majority of this country took a stand on modesty I guarantee this American culture would be better and eventually less sex obsessed.

"When I asked for Your help, You answered my prayer and gave me courage".  Psalm 138:3

  Beloved Lord Jesus, help Dean, Gina & Becky to remember that you are with us in times of physical illness and emotional and spiritual suffering.

  Through our prayers and fasting, bring them your calming faith, patience, and hope that they will be delivered from any worry, pain and to heal their cancer, if that be your Will.

  We ask for your healing grace and strength for us all. Help us to give you our fears and anxieties by remembering your words..."Be still and know that I am God"....Psalm 46:10

  Please comfort us and continue to renew and heal our souls. Help us to know your "Will" and to follow you now and forever...... We ask for the anointing “gifts” of your Holy Spirit, especially the gift of patient endurance through difficult times and to be able to see the love and many graces that come to us in our daily crosses. We thank you for your unconditional love! We pray this in Jesus name.

let me just say that i am glad that the nurses of hospice are doing the best they can to take care of my uncle who is in the final stage of stomach cancer.  now he is on a morphine drip for his pain.  right now the nurses of hospice come to his place until he needs to go there before he dies.  my uncle is only in his 40s.  right now your prayers are greatly appreciated.  they delivered a hospital bed and a wheelchair to my uncle's appartment.  my uncle has no circulation from his knees to his feet whatsoever.  right now i am holding on to some hope that with the grace from our virgin mother of god can help us get through this time of suffering and greif.

THE CHAPLET OF DIVINE MERCY

IN THE NAME OF THE FATHER AND OF THE SON AND OF THE HOLY SPIRIT AMEN

eternal father, i offer you

the body and blood,

soul and divinity

of our dearly beloved son

our lord jesus christ

 in entomment of our sins

and those of the whole world

for the sake of his sorrowful passion

have mercy on us and on the whole world.

you must also believe in the power of prayer.  if you don't believe in the power of prayer, how can our lord savior jesus christ, the virgin mother of god, and the heavenly father almighty help us in these times of suffering and greif?  maybe that is a sign that god is telling us that it is his time to go.  if someone in the family of all of us bloggers must give hospice a call and let them do their work.  let us all remember that our lord savior jesus christ and the father almighty will help us through these tough times as well.

Well I sit here today feeling a little special. My ex-wife told me the other day that a few of my old coworkers check out my blog from time to time. I guess I should start out by saying hi guys. It's just too bad that they never paid this much attention to me when I worked with them. Oh well what are you going to do?

Well today I think I'll ramble on about life, or rather enjoying life. Something my former coworkers need to learn.

So with my former coworker in mind lets start with step number one, leave work at work. We spend a good majority of our lives at work. Why would you want to take more time out of your life thinking or talking about work all the time? Start enjoying the time away from work. Use it to recharge. Get a hobby, you know like needle point or something else that's relaxing. Spend time with your families and remember that they are more important then any job.

Step Two is the most important. If you don't have step two you'll never have step three. Love yourself. Not in an arrogant way. Love yourself for who you are. Don't dwell on stupid things like I'm too fat, or I'm not attactive or other things like that. It's who you are, not what you look like or what you have. When you're gone people will remeber the person inside, the other things will not matter. If you can't love yourself how can anybody else love you?

Step number three is enjoy today for today. Everbody thinks they have forever. I have a question for you. How long is forever?? Don't live for tomorrow, it may never come. The old saying "Why do today what you can put off till tomorrow?" should be changed to "Do everything you can today because there might not be tomorrow." Let the people in your life know that you love them and care about them, patch things up and forgive those that you have had troubles with. Today might be the last chance you have to do that. They say you should live everyday like it's your last and they're right. There is no tomorrow, there is only today.

So that is my Dr. Phil type lecture for today. I hope my former coworkers enjoyed it along with anybody else who happened to read it. If not I forgive you, because it might be the last chance I get. I think you all get the point.

Over the years I feel like I have done many things with good intentions. Some things I know were truly good, like my many hours volunteering, and other things I'm sure I did with good intentions but they probably didn't end up the way I hoped. Whether it was just due to a poor decision or poor time management these things happen to everyone I guess.

Lately, I feel like, again, I try to do things with good intentions, but in the back of my mind I question if it is truly good or not. I second guess myself. I want to learn from past mistakes but sometimes I wonder if I dwell too much on them.

I have a great opportunity to volunteer to help out on campus and gain valuable experience in a field I want to eventually go in, BUT again, even though I am doing this with good intentions will it blow up in my face in the end? I told myself going into this new volunteer venture that I wouldn't overdo it but when it comes down to it can I trust myself? When it comes to priorities will I be able to focus on my studies and not be caught up with this new, fun, volunteer opportunity that I am interested in pursuing as a career someday?

I think I can handle it. I have matured the past few years but I guess what bothers me most is that I question myself and my actions. Don't get me wrong, this is a good quality to have, I mean it's better than having no self control and stuff but it can shake your confidence.

Anyway, I have some decisions to make I guess on how much I want to commit to this volunteer group. It'll be around for a while if I'm not involved this second. I just need to prayfully think about it and see what God has planned for me.
I just feel that sometimes writing down your thoughts helps and in this case, although no answers were really found, I feel better.

Thanks for reading...

I have had the words of my mother ringing in my ears for about the past month.

When I was growing up she would always say to me "someday you're going to be blessed with a child just like you." Of course I would laugh because I was a kid and to be honest I wasn't thinking past the next day, and I certainly was not thinking thirty or so years into my future. Plus in my opinion I was a pretty cool dude.

Well as you may have already guessed that day finally came. I have a daughter who is 17 years old now. Her whole life everybody always said "she's just like her dad." At the time I thought that was great. You see at that point in my life I didn't know that I suffered from a medical disorder.

Those who have read my posts in the past already know that I suffer from bi-polar disorder. For years I had no idea why I did some of the things I did.

About six years ago I was told by serveral councelors, doctors, psychologists, and psychiatrists that I had the disorder. Of course like many bi-polar people do in the begining I dismissed the fact that I had the disorder. Many of us do because part of the disorder is a manic stage where we are happy. The problem is we're over happy, but none the less we're happy so we think there's nothing wrong. I didn't do anything about the problem until this past year. I am 42 years old now and I look back at my life and realize all the things that I did because of the disorder. Now I'm not saying every bad thing that ever happened to me was because of the disorder, that would be a little overboard and we can't blame all of our problems on it. But there were a lot of things that I see now that were due to it.

Anyway I don't want to get off track. My daughter started having some trouble in the past 2 years. Her mother and I have been divorced for a long time now. My daughter and her brothers were pretty young when we split. None the less my daughter was always a good student and really never got into trouble, at least nothing that other kids don't do.

When she went into high school her grades started to fall. Of course I thought it was just because she was making the adjustment to high school. But I was also starting to see a change in her attitude. I of course figured well she's a teenager now. We used to be very close but we started to drift apart around that time. Her mother has physical placement, but we have joint custody. Unfortunately I'm always the last to know anything.

As things were changing for my daughter I of course could not figure it out because I was in denial about my own situation. She was acting out toward her brothers. There were situations where she got angry and took off with vehicles and didn't have a driver's license. She was having some major problems. She did start going to a councelor because of these problems.

I always talked to my kids about things. I didn't want them going out into the world without knowing what it was really like. We also had the talk about sex and the why's and why not's. Well that talk didn't work with my daughter. She got pregnant at 16 years old. I found out about it 3 weeks after everybody else. Needless to say like most fathers I wanted to hunt down and kill the young man responsible. I of course eventually calmed down and did realize it takes two. It of course was not the timing I would have liked, but everything happens for a reason. She had the baby and did keep it. I am glad that she did because(and I don't want to get into a debate) I personally don't believe in abortion and in this situation it would have been wrong. I also didn't want her giving the baby up for adoption, because whether the timing in her life was right or not the baby was still part of our family. Anyway, we got through all that.

In the past month or so she was having some serious problems. I was told by my daugher that there was talk by her councelor and her doctor that she might be bi-polar and have A.D.D. of course I again found this out weeks after. It was suggested that she see a psychiatrist. Well I found out an appointment was never made. My fiance'e after hearing this was the one who made the appointments with my daughter's family doctor and a pyschiatrist. We went to her medical doctor who again indicated she believed my daughter was bi-polar. She did not want to start any medication until my daughter saw the psychiatrist.

There had been some issues with her boyfriend(the babies father). I stopped by the house one Friday night because her mother was on her honeymoon. When I got there I found my daughter in a complete breakdown. Now I realize that when people are having realationship troubles it can be upsetting, especially for teenagers. This however was beyond that. I was there until 3 A.M. trying to calm her down. I was finally able to calm her down enough to get her to go to sleep. Her 18 year old brother, who is a very responsible young man said he would keep an eye on her and would call me if anything happened.

The next morning I called my daughter to see how she was doing. She was in the same condition as the night before, and to be honest I think it was worse, It was so bad that I called my fiance'e and told her to get my daughter on the phone and keep her on the phone until I got there. It was so bad that as I was leaving my apartment my fiance'e called a said she was on her way to my daughter's house because she was worried something bad would happen.

We both arrived there and found my daughter in an extremely depressed state. She was crying uncontrolabley, and just very upset. We put her in the car and took her to the emergency room.

Now God love doctors, but in this type of situation it has been my experience that ER doctors really have no clue. They come in and ask the two famous questions, "do you feel like hurting yourself and do you feel like hurting anybody else?" If you say no they send you on your way. I guess what the forget is that when people are going through these situations that's when they become suicidal. Well as you may have guessed that's what almost happened in this case. The doctor was going to send my daughter home without doing a thing. That is until I stood up, looked him in the eye and told him we were not leaving that room until he got a psyciatric doctor down there. It was amazing how fast they had one on the phone. I guess being 6'04" and 260 lbs comes in handy sometimes. The psychiatrist prescibed some medication and made an appointment for my daughter to come in 2 days later. This was the same psychiatrist that we had made the appointment with.

Well to make a long story short, and I realize it's too late for that the psychiatrist told my daughter(you guessed it) she was bi-polar. He did a great job of explaining it to us. I even learned things that I didn't know about it. He perscribed medication for my daughter and scheduled a follow up appointment. He also told her we wanted her to call in a week so he could see how the medication was working. He also wanted her to have blood work done to check the levels of the medication. So we left and I was relieved because my daughter was getting the help she needed and I was glad that she would not have the kind of life her father had.

When all this was going on my daughter was staying with my fiance'e because we wanted her to be somewhere where we could monitor her and take care of her. My apartment is not big enough so my fiance'e said my daughter could stay there. My fiance'e loves all of my kids very much. She is more of a mother to them in most cases then their real mother. I'm not saying that their real mother doesn't love them, but without sounding bitter she's clueless. Well my daughter wanted to go home so she could be in her own room where she was comfortable.

I took her home and her and her mother got into it right away. Her mother wanted her out of the house. My fiance'e came over to try and settle things down. My ex-wife wanted my fiance'e to call the police and have them remove my daughter from the house. This wasn't supprising because my ex-wife never wants to be the bad guy. Anyway things settled down and my daughter was allowed to stay.

Well at some point my ex-wife became mother of the year, and we found out that my daughter was no longer taking her medication and she had not called the doctor and didn't have the blood work done. I talked to my ex-wife about the medication issue and she told me that our daughter was not bi-polar and that I was destroying her life. I advised her that our daughter was told by a psychiatrist that she was bi-polar and asked when she received a degree in psychology. I was told that my daughter was not going to take any medication until she saw the doctor again. She stopped taking the medication two weeks before this conversation and her appointment was two weeks away. So we were looking at one month without medication.

I tried talking to my daughter about the medication. I was pretty much, no I was told I had no idea what I was talking about. My daughter is convinced now that nothing is wrong because she's feeling good now. I have tried and tried to get her to take her medication because I know the potential dangers that exsist. She is now to the point that she doesn't want to talk to me or see me.

I went to several agencies to try and get help. I have been told there is not much I can do. I love my daughter very much. I am left now with the hardest thing for a parent to do. That is to let my daughter go and wait until she falls on her face and hits rock bottom. When that happens you can bet her mother wont be the one picking up the pieces.

So mom you got your wish. I understand now as I watch my daughter repeat the mistakes of her father. It was hard to live through, but it's harder watching your child live through it and be helpless to do anything to stop it. It's hard watching your child and thinking about how different your live could have been if you did something about it, and thinking about how they're walking down that same path.

I know God never gives us more than we can handle. But I have to say it's pretty close. I just pray every day that he opens my daughter's eyes, and protects her from what could happen without treatment.

Well thanks for letting me ramble on. May God bless all of you and keep you safe.

I sit here today realizing that I've been the world's biggest jerk.

I have been dating the most wonderful woman in the world. I love her with all of my heart. I would never want to hurt her. The sad part is that I did.

I have dealt with insecurity for the better part of my life. I also found out that I suffer from a bi-polar disorder. I have been treating that disorder with medication. It's an one going battle and we are still increasing the doses because I am still having problems.

With regard to my girlfriend. I have had trouble dealing with the fact that she has male friends. I trust her and I know that she would never hurt me. Yet I forced her to cut ties with those friends. Of course this put a major strain on our relationship. She did it for me anyway.

The sad part is that my insecurity didn't stop there. I started checking her phone calls and emails to see if she was still in contact with those friends. I totally betrayed her trust. Yet she is still here. Today I was upset because I found out that one of those friends sent a forward (not even a regular email). Rather than stopping to think I called and left her a message about it. After stopping and thinking about what I was doing I called back calmer and told her I was wrong to ask her to give up her friends. Unfortunately the damage was done. She was very angry with me and ready to end our relationship, and may very well decide to do that. Although she has given me yet another chance.

I have hurt and betrayed somebody I love with all of my heart. I can never take that back. The thought that I didn't trust in her makes me feel like garbage. She has been through so much in her life. I was supposed to be something good in her life, not the cause of pain.

So for others out there in a situation like mine. Remember, stop and think about your actions. Is it worth hurting the one you love over your own insecurity? You can never take it back once it's done. If you love them and trust them then show them that.

May my girlfriend and God forgive me for my shortcomings and may God give me strength to not repeat them. May he also help to heal the damage I have done.

The nativity scene scandal. Any one who wants to put something up should be able to. The only problem that I can see is, some people want to put up things that have nothing to do with the season. This is the Christmas season, so up with the Christmas displays. I would not come there now and expect to put up the easter bunny or a valentine display. I have never heard of these other 2 groups celebrating there religion at this particular time of year. We need to show respect to this time of year. 

Thank you